“Many of us, myself, included, considered our souls necessary collateral damage to get done the things we felt we simply had to get get done – because of other people’s expectations, because we want to be know as highly capable, because we’re trying to outrun an inner emptiness. And for a while we don’t even realize the compromise we’ve made. We’re on autopilot, chugging through the day on fear and caffeine, checking things off the list, falling into bed without even a real thought or feeling or connection all day long, just a sense of having made it through.” -Shauna Niequist, Present Over Perfect
DANGEROUS BUSINESS
“I know you’re busy.”
I had gotten a text from an old high school friend who wanted to commission me to do a painting for her, and in the middle of her words, I found her explaining and apologizing to me for requesting my help because she knew I was “so busy.” In all honesty, I wasn’t that busy that week. I hadn’t been “so busy” in a few months. But, I realized with some sadness, that’s the person a lot people know me as. That’s the person they remember, the girl who was in drama club, speech club, art club, dance team, church volunteer, Sunday school teacher, invincible wonder-woman-wannabe.
In the past few years, my life has had a different kind of theme. It’s been a theme of struggling against my nature to find my worth and identity in busy-ness. Covered in a do-good facade, my work has often temporarily fed my hunger for meaning and purpose, while also numbing the deep quench in my soul for true relationships. Hustle is seen as commendable, and those who dedicate all of their time to any cause outside of themselves is seen as some kind of martyr. It’s easy for me to fall into this kind of lifestyle because I have learned how to be good at people-pleasing; good at analyzing and reaching people’s expectations. I wish I could call it something else like I used to, something like “multi-tasking” or “pushing myself to be brave with my life.” But really, it was people-pleasing, and really, people-pleasing is just a form of idol worshipping; it’s worshipping people and placing your worth in their view of you.
That, I have learned, is dangerous business.
All of it is a formulation that is set and ready to destroy your relationships, your emotional stability, your personal identity, your fleshly need for simple things like sleep and good food, and in return for your “sacrifice,” you are given a momentary high of feeling like you accomplished the vision that people wanted to see. You were commended for being amazing, and that feels better than doing the dishes or figuring out another way to cook chicken. Like a magician or a performer, you work for applause in exchange for a life that is an act, and your soul slowly becomes a machine.
Maybe I’m being melodramatic, but I’ve had to learn to accept that living out of a place of realness and presence is something I struggle with. Over the last few years, I have begin to try to redefine how I look at my life’s work, how I look at what is valuable to me, and what time of living God can do the most with. As an entrepreneur, I wear many hats and juggle a lot of tasks; it’s easy for me to fall into the treadmill pace of “hustle” that everybody talks about. I bet if you’re somebody like me, you’d agree that living out of a place of rest is more difficult than living out of a place of hustle. I’d rather blame it on the world, or on society or culture or something like that… But really, I blame it on my off-motive heart. I blame it on my restless mindset. I blame it on on the lie that I have believed that I’m not worth it until I’ve bled myself dry.
LETTING GO OF HUSTLE
Last February, I was finally learning to live out of a place of rest. I was getting my work done and had learned to love the boundaries that kept me from compromising my relationships with too much hustle. I was closer to God because I was actually prioritizing time with him. My health had finally increased after about five years of reoccurring illness– mostly just due to finally letting myself go to bed when I was tired. I was rolling and finally feeling free, abundant, and had so much clarity.
Then I got a job offer. Not just a random job offer, but this was the job that I dreamed about in high school and college. The thing that I had worked so hard for for so many years was finally being presented to me and was all wrapped up in a package that looked like total success and final destinations and reputation boosts.
But I wasn’t that stupid. I wrestled with the offer for weeks. I tried to figure out how to keep my restful and full lifestyle while also working the dream. I asked for compromises and re-worked my schedule a thousand times over. I prayed to God hourly, asking him to help me figure out if this was His will for me, or if it was just me wanting to get back into the familiar pace of the hustle-life. After all, what if I was just feeling insecure about my worth because I had let go of so many roles that made me feel important? Because honestly, that’s exactly how I felt.
I took the job. And it was amazing and wonderful and a great experience and also absolutely draining. When I quit after just four months, many people asked me if I regretted my decision to take the job, or if I thought that I had “mis-heard” God when I believed that I was supposed to take on this temporary role. At times, when I was in the crazy midst of the hustle, I thought that I had definitely chosen the wrong path and ignored God’s will. But when I stepped out of the hustle and looked back in the rearview mirror, I realized that God had actually taken the time to put me in that “dream job” of mine to show me something that I needed to see.
I saw moms who never saw their kids. I listened to wives say that their relationship with their husbands was drying out. I watched my friends cry because they missed soccer games due to work. I stayed late to help people put projects together, knowing that by the time they got home and did their dishes, they would only get a few hours of sleep.
What was it that God needed me to see? He needed me to see what living out of hustle looks like from the outside. Because let me tell you, it’s such a mirage when you’re inside. It’s such an deception. When you’re on the inside, you actually sometimes believe it’s worth it. You believe maybe it’s worth sacrificing your marriage or your children growing up or your health or your calling or your sleep– all because you’re doubting that if you walked away, let yourself be stripped of your work, if you would still have any worth still clinging to your name.
We all want purpose, and let’s be honest; sometimes we’d sacrifice our very lives and sell our souls to get it. We’re terrified to let go of our hustle, because who knows if there is actually a woman still there underneath? Are our real selves really worth letting go of the name we’ve built for ourselves? If we let go of that fear, of that control, of that job– would we find the freedom and rest we are secretly are dying for?
It is possible to still do worthy work and live in a place of rest. It’s not an either/or situation like many of us act. In letting go of hustle, we are giving ourselves enough space to actually accept our value, analyze our the position of our hearts, and then prioritize what matters most. I believe that there are some beginning steps that us busy-bodies can regularly take to detox from our busy-ness syndrome:
ANALYZE YOUR WHO.
Who are you hustling for? Is it for your kids? It is for your parents or your spouse? Are you telling yourself it’s for God but it’s really more for you? Knowing who you’re doing it for creates clarity as to whether it’s true, worth work– or just feel-good-about-yourself-hustle.
ANALYZE YOUR WHAT.
What are you doing? Probably a lot. Do you need to do all of that, or are you trying to be superwoman? Or maybe you’re too scared to hand anybody else the control, so you’re doing it all yourself. Write down every single thing you’re doing or that is a part of your hustle mentality or that is on your list to do and analyze if it actually needs to be there or if it’s something that will truly bring value to your life.
ANALYZE YOUR WHY.
Why are you doing this? Be brave enough to not lie to yourself, but look introspectively to see if there are cracks in your truth. Maybe you have the right heart for the work, but deep down, your hustle is rooted in fear that you’ll never be enough. Why are you pushing yourself through these tasks, draining yourself of life? Is your why worth your life?
LIVING OUT OF A PLACE OF REST
Real rest doesn’t mean sitting on the couch watching Instagram stories. That’s not the best version of rest. I think that’s more like brain-dead chilling out, which is sometimes is all we have room for… But when we’re needing the kind of rest that is actually restorative (which, isn’t that the point of rest?), we can only find true rejuvenation (for mind, body, soul) in Christ. The cure for your exhaustion is Christ. But, busy women, don’t think that just because you know where to find rest that that means that you can’t also set up camp and live in rest.
Here’s where I get to what I’ve really learned about rest. Taking a rest is nice. It’s like a nap or a night off from watching your kids or something. It gives you enough space to regulate your emotions and maybe do a workout and even a devotional. Your mind, body, spirit is replenished… For awhile, or maybe until the next day when yet another load of unbelievable weight is dropped on you– again. Where does rest go then? Was there enough in your tank to keep you from faltering yet again this week?
There is a difference between visiting a place of rest, and living in place of rest.
When we visit a place of rest, essentially, we are coming to God like we would go over to a friends house. We chat, drink some coffee, laugh and take enough to make us feel good enough to keep going. But when we live out of a place of rest, we’re packing up our whole closet of emotions, spirituality, mindsets, and even our weary body and making our home in God’s heart, saying, “this is my new home. This is where I will rest, the place my actions will be rooted in, the source of my thinking, the bed of my soul.”
And in doing this, we’re saying that our security is no longer built by our control or our work or the expectations or appreciation of other people.
It is possible to do a lot and to be a lot to a lot of people, and to still live your life from a place of rest. It just looks more like realizing that strength isn’t saying yes to everything, but in saying no; and that worth isn’t throwing yourself into every open role, but only the ones that you’re called to; and that acceptance isn’t gained by bleeding your soul dry, but was given to you when Christ bled on the cross. Instead, it’s when you’re living like God’s grace is what makes you worthy, and like his love makes you secure, and like his approval makes the good work worth it. It’s when value looks more like boundaries instead of late nights and people’s praise.
APPLICATIONS OF GRACE FOR WOMEN LIKE US
First, embrace your brokenness. It’s not fun for people like us to admit that we’re not sure if we can keep living like this. I get it. You wanted to be a miracle worker and work three jobs and yet somehow get eight hours of sleep AND have toned arms. You thought that if you just organized your life enough, you could handle it. But personally, I don’t want to die known as someone who was just good at organizing her life. Embrace that you want change and that’s when change can actually start to happen.
Loosen your grip. White knuckling life doesn’t exactly produce any fruit. Figure out what you can start to let go of. What matters? What are you taking on just because you want to add it to your name? Start to let go of the ideas that you’ve held on to about yourself and your hustle-lifestyle and start to imagine something different– a life where there’s enough space for you to work AND for God to work. Realize this: letting go of what is not meant for you gives you the freedom to hold onto what IS meant for you.
Seek God. Maybe you’re not supposed to quit your job, but maybe you are. Maybe God wants you to stand up for yourself or turn this season of your life into a testimony. You’re never going to know until you get in the quiet and seek his voice instead of everybody else’s.
I’m a work in progress, obviously. But don’t be surprised if I share more of my journey with this lifestyle balance of work + rest / body + soul, etc. Some days I feel like I’m finally breathing and riding life without training wheels, and then some days I feel like a total mess and come to God a blubbering, emotional girl who has no idea what she’s doing. It’s okay. I’m learning to embrace all of it and am accepting that it’s all a part of the process God is taking me through. If you’re one of the female “hustlers” of the world, I’d love to hear from you and how you manage a life of worthy work + rest.
