The other day I sat at a coffee shop with a friend from high school. She had recently gotten engaged. While sipping on iced mochas, we delved into how she met her man, how jobs were going, how we were feeling about life–the usual girl talk. Then we started talking about marriage, which I always enjoy. Being a newlywed, I find a lot of joy in talking with girls who are engaged because I remember what a fun season of life that is. It wasn’t that long ago that I was in their shoes, picking out tablecloths, saying “yes” to the dress, and going to showers. With her left ring finger sparkling and joy glittering in her eyes, my friend asked me, “What are some of the biggest things God has taught you through marriage?”
I stopped to think. I felt a little pressure to say something completely beautiful and unheard of–profound. I knew there were a lot of things I could say, but I couldn’t put any great thoughts together. Everything in my head sounded cliché. I knew there was so much I had learned, but I couldn’t think of an eloquent way to say it. In all honesty, I felt a little guilty. Was I a bad wife because I couldn’t think of some deep, educational lesson to pass on to me soon-to-be-bride girlfriend? Or worse, was I not “spiritual rooted” enough to start gushing out all of the things God has taught me this past year of marriage? I think I tripped around some little ditty about communication (which has been a big lesson for me, but still sounds super cliché).
Throughout the rest of that day I felt like a dud simply because I still couldn’t think of an answer that was dripping with knowledge and made me sound like a holy Betty Crocker. How to you compose the biggest lessons of your first year of marriage in a nutshell?
Our first year of marriage, like they say, had ups and downs. I got sick a lot, Jared changed jobs and worked tons of hours overtime, and I was a full-time student. There were definitely moments of craziness. Looking back, I know that I’ve learned a lot, but there is one thing that seems to theme our first year of marriage from my vantage point: God will use marriage to totally surprise and bless you. There are so many moments I can look back on where it was literally like God just came down with a package all wrapped up with ribbon and said: here you go! And usually my response tended to be something like, “God, what’s this? I don’t need this present. You don’t have to give me this, really, I’m fine. And is this actually even a present? Or is this one of those things where you call it a gift but it looks more like work?” There have been many moments in marriage where I have tried to handle things on my own and be perfect and God has come in and given me grace both through his own mercy and through my husband.
There are surprises still surprising me today. Some of them I knew would come with marriage, but it’s different to actually experience it rather than just expect it!
Surprise 1: Marriage doesn’t have to be that hard. I know some people have rightful arguments against this, and I know I’m a newlywed still in her honeymoon phase and that things will change over time. Marriage is hard because it’s a relationship with two very different beings, but it’s not hard all the time. At least for us it wasn’t. For years I delved into books on marriage so that I could be prepared for the days after we said “I do” and I always seemed to get this message: that the first year of marriage was going to be SO HARD. It was going to be full of arguments, tears, and difficulties. While, yeah, there were some of each of those things, I kept waiting for the “first year bomb” to drop and pour hardship and distance between us, but it never did. Honestly, marriage is what you make it. There were definitely times when we could have made things a lot more difficult for each other, but just chose not to. It’s too tiring, and is just a waste of time to try and be the one who is “right.” It’s not worth it.
With communication, kindness, a lot of Jesus, and really being conscious and aware of how you’re treating each other, marriage doesn’t always have to be that hard.
Surprise 2: One other thing that surprised me about marriage is that marriage is not the most important thing. I read this fact in a lot of marriage books before our wedding, but experiencing it now, I totally get what they were saying. There have been times in this year where I have suddenly plagued myself with guilt when realizing we didn’t have a official date night that month. I would whip out my calendar and pencil in time to talk and go out and get real deep about things. I would go through these little guilt-driven moments regularly: sometimes because I chose to do the dishes over sitting down and watching a movie with Jared, or if I had a lot of homework to do I would leave him to entertain himself for hours and hours. I was kind of holding marriage up on this pedestal like a trophy that I needed to regularly clean and polish because if I didn’t, it might fall apart on me. I know there is some truth to what I was thinking because if you become lethargic in your marriage, Satan will come in and make his home between you. However, marriage was not and is not necessarily always 24/7 the thing that needs to be fostered and poured into every single day with heart, soul, and mind. What is more important than our marriage is our relationship with God. By our relationship with God comes everything within our marriage. A visual example I like of this idea goes like this: imagine a tree in a field. The strong trunk of the tree and the roots growing deep in the soil represent God and our relationship with him. At the top of the tree there are branches with fruit on them; this represents our marriage. When we are individually grounded, rooted, well-watered in the word and his presence, then the fruit of our marriage (and lives) will be healthy and delicious. If we are not rooted and not “watering” ourselves with the word, community, and presence, the fruit won’t even have what it needs to grow.
Even the most attended-to marriage can smother out and die if God is not present in it.
Surprise 3: You can grow closer to God through marriage. Actually, you kind of have to. This is such a cool thing to experience. I remember back in premarital counseling when our pastor, Randy, drew this diagram in a triangle shape. He said Jared and I were the two bottom points and the top point was God. In order for the two bottom points to grow closer together, they would have to both equally move upwards towards the top point. The same goes in marriage: the closer we grow to God, the closer we grow together. This is not only because God’s power protects our marriage when we are near to him, but because when we are in God’s presence, he transforms us to be more like him which makes being kind, loving, and forgiving so much easier. At times I have this not-completely-correct mentality that it’s up to me and me alone to grow in God so that I can be a happy wife and not be grumpy and have a good attitude even when the house is messy. While I’ve learned that having your own, personal spiritual walk as a wife is really, really important, you have to also grow together as a couple. What I learn in my personal devotional time shouldn’t be kept to myself, but should be shared so that we can grow together–both more closely to each other, but even more closer to God.
I’m looking forward to more surprises in the years to come. It’s really crazy to think that this is just year one: I’m looking forward to enjoying all of the years to come. Marriage is such a blessing… A bigger one than I imagined it would be, and I never want to take it for granted. Instead, I’d like to hold it dearly in my heart and protect it all my life.
